There are a couple of things that I've recently realized about myself.

One of them is something that I'm absolutely terrified about.

Another is just a quirk, an interesting tidbit about me that I hadn't fully recognize before.

First - in some ways success terrifies me.

Second - while I'm about the least competitive person that I know, I'm always extremely competitive against (with?) myself.

Item the first #

I'm sure that I'm not the only person out there that is terrified of something turning out to be successful. Whatever that something might be.

Whether it's putting myself out there when looking for employment, for example, I have that fear not of what if I get denied but of what if I get approved?

Then there are social situations. This might, or might not, have just as much to do with being introverted as well, though.

Let us say that I were to go looking for some kind of connection. Platonic or otherwise, it makes no matter. Frankly, I'm terrible at small talk. I've been told that I'm a competent communicator, but that's not necessarily for me to decide.

I don't know how to make friends any more. It's tough.

Item the second #

I have never been competitive.

Ever.

I was basically forced into playing team sports when I was a kid (granted, T-ball was fun - ha). Baseball. Basketball. Football.

I could actually pitch with either left or right handed. Couldn't do it now to save my life, but it was a thing I was capable of.

I never liked any of it though.

Probably didn't help that all of the teams I was on stunk. But that's not relevant.

I was able to come to the conclusion the other day that the only person I compete with, in any way, is myself.

And it does not allow me to relax. Ever.

Take keto, for example. When we started on keto five years ago I dove into the deep end. Got an app and basically gamed the heck out of it. I would try to see just how few carbs I could do compared to all the other users of the app. Routinely I fell into the top tier and could easily go less than 5 to 7 net carbs a day. Logging everything.

I would go to sleep at night super stoked to get up in morning to see how much weight has fallen off. Quite often it would be a pound or so.

Was it safe? Not really. But it was my addiction, that self competition.

Another example would be when I take my noon walks.

I would imagine that when most people take walks it helps to clear their minds for the time ahead.

Yeah, that's not how my head works.

My oh my how I wish it did.

Nope, I have this constant beat that runs through my mind: one, two, three, four, one, two... On and on and on.

I have the need to push myself, quicker and quicker. Finish strong! I tell myself.

I matters not if I've got music in my ears or listening to an NPR podcast. Same story.

Why can't I just relax?

This is post 29/100 of my #100DaysToOffload posts. You can read the other posts in this series here.

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Published 15 Aug 2024