I was not raised in a family that provided a lot of what I'll call emotional attachment. My parents probably loved each other, at one point, but if they did I never saw proof of that. Quite the opposite, actually. My parents divorced early in my life.

I can remember only twice in my life - I'm currently nearly 50 years old at this point - that I witnessed my father cry. The first time I was probably still in the fourth grade (I'm wildly guessing here at timeframes) and it was early morning before school. I'm sitting at the dining room table (we actually had one of those, both the dining room and the table, quite the concept) eating breakfast and the question is put to me: "Would you rather stay with your Mom or your Dad?".

For the love of pete, what a question to drop on a young kid.

What would you expect the response to be? If the kid leaves, then he has to change everything: schools, friends, homes, the whole bag.

Of course the kid is going to opt stay with the Mom.

Which I did, at that time.

That was the first time witnessing the tears.

My Mom was, quite likely, bi-polar. I think she even said that at one point that she'd been diagnosed, but I'm not positive. Some days were great, some not so great.

I can remember a lot of volitility. Dishes, utensils, pots, pans, all being thrown out of the kitchen and at the wall in the hall.

There was a time when I snuck into the kitchen one afternoon and grabbed a freshly baked chocolate chip cookie. Oh, I can tell you right now that I never did that again. I had a wooden mixing spoon broken across my backside for that one. I would have to say, I don't believe that punishment fit that crime.

Then there was the time when my Mom was supposed to give me swats with a flyswatter. For some reason, she just barely tapped my bare bottom with said swatter. I don't know what I had done to deserve (or not, such as the case may have been) that one.

I didn't spend much time with my Mother. I did wind up staying with my Dad. I know that they both loved me, but neither of them were very good at showing said love.

Did I yearn for their attention? No. I can't say that I did.

Has that history made my current life and years difficult? Oh, I think that's safe to say. I can't let people get close. I'm not one for really showing affection. I am emphatic and I do understand when others are going through difficulties, but I'm not really equipped to help necessarily.

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Published 03 Jun 2024